My room smells like vodka and shame
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
