sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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