We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
