Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Michael Bay diarrhea
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
