so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
