I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
