My Higher Power is John Stamos
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
