you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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