I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
