She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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