You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
