i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
