who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
