I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
