the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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