Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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