Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
