i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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