i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Randomize
