Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
