I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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