My cat gives me a boner
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I'm really busy with my period
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