Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize