Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Holy sore nipples Batman
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
