my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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