So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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