also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
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