You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Non-Jews are for practice
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
