And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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