Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
