so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
