Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
