last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
