Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
