Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize