Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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