i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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