when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
