I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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