Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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