Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
