i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
