he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
In other news, I just burned my penis
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
