The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
