So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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