I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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