i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
