i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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