it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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