I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i want to swaddle you in tequila
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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