i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
