We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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