im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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