I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
