I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I came so hard my ears popped.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize