God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
