today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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