ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Randomize
