mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
